The Ballad of Mike Hampton

"Here is the ball, Mike
It's time to throw."

I'm sorry, Skip,
But I just can't go.

While I was getting loose
I tweaked my left elbow,
And there is a throbbing sensation
In my right big toe.

I got a stomachache from eating
Too much cookie dough,
And a papercut from a book
About President James Monroe.

I pulled a hamstring while carrying
My daughter's cello,
And tweaked my back
Practicing my taekwondo.

I've got inflammation from my head
All the way to my toe,
And my ear is burning
Like I'm Vincent Van Gogh.

Coach, I begged the trainer
To please just let me throw.
But he looked me over
And told me no.

The doctors are concerned
About my blood circulation flow,
And the fact that on Thursdays
My fingernails won't grow.

Doc said, "You've got an open wound
In your chest, you know.
It reminds me of what happened
To Tony Soprano."

When he saw the swelling of my shoulder
He shouted, "Whoa!"
And told me the chances
Of pitching today were low.

(As a kid, I had a dream of becoming a pro,
And making it all the way to the show,
Signing a big contract to get paid lots of dough,
Then cashing my checks without actually having to throw.
Today that dream is coming true, you know...)

So I'm sorry, Skip, but I just can't go!